Advice on Choosing your Marriage Partner

From a letter written in 1963

It has come to my attention that a number of suggestions had been made to you with regard to a shidduch, but for any number of reasons you rejected them all.

Quite understandably, one cannot comment from a distance with regard to a particular suggestion, but I take the liberty of making the following general remarks:

Marriage is the most important event in the life of a man or woman; it leaves an indelible imprint on one's entire life. Consequently, such a decision requires considerable deliberation and cannot be done in haste.

Nonetheless, regarding all events that transpire in a person's life, be they large or small, it is impossible to take into account all the eventual particulars and details, each and every possible permutation.

After all, a human being is extremely limited; it is impossible for him to conceptualize all the eventualities of each and every aspect and detail and their possible consequences.

Thus, to a certain extent, it is necessary for a person to utilize his faith and trust in G-d, that He will see the matter through in a goodly manner in all its many details.

The same is so with regard to a shidduch: It is literally impossible to find something entirely perfect, and it is impossible to calculate how matters will come to pass to their absolute finality. If the most important matters are in order, then quite often it is proper to overlook minor matters that don't seem to be in order. This is especially so, since one may only be imagining that they are not in order, when in truth they are quite fine as well.

... In general, with regard to a shidduch, emphasis should be placed on that which is most crucial - that it be in harmony with the verse, "A woman who fears G-d, she is to be praised." We are not to occupy ourselves with "signs" and omens, such as those about which you write.

The primary channel and vessel for receiving Divine blessing is through conducting oneself on a daily basis in consonance with the directives of our Torah, the "Torah of Life," and by performing its commandments, concerning which the verse states, "you shall live by them."

From Eternal Joy, translated by Rabbi Sholom B. Wineberg,
published by Sichos in English