Question of the Week:
As a believing Christian, I made a recent pilgrimage to the Holy Land. I was profoundly disturbed by the Jewish state and its criminal occupation of the West Bank. How can you justify usurping land that belongs to others?
Answer:
You are entitled to your opinion on the matter. But I hope you are consistent in your beliefs. Being that you oppose a Jewish presence on the West Bank, I assume you will not be participating in any celebrations during the coming days. According to your view, there is no reason to be merry on December 25.
The Christian holidays celebrate an event that you have named a criminal act - the birth of a Jewish baby to a Jewish family living in the West Bank town of Bethlehem. Your views should not allow you to have any part in this cheer, for if you did you would be giving retroactive approval to a Jewish settlement on the West Bank that dates back more than two thousand years.
Perhaps you will be joined by the UN and other humanitarian organizations around the world condemning any celebrations this week that are connected with this controversial birth, as such events would be recognizing the rights of a Jewish family to live on what you see as occupied territory.
However I must warn you, by espousing this view and not celebrating, you will be vastly outnumbered. Not that it's so bad to be in the minority, I personally have been all my life. But keep in mind, while you accuse Israel of occupying land, there will be two billion Christians around the world celebrating the fact that the West Bank has always been the home of the Jewish people.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
Showing posts with label Ask the Rabbi. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ask the Rabbi. Show all posts
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
dating
Question of the Week:
Why is dating so hard these days? Never in history have people struggled with relationships so much. So many of my friends are still single and looking. And even my married friends seem to have to work hard to keep it together. What’s wrong with us?
Answer:
We are a generation of complicated souls. Some of it is our own doing, but some of it is the destiny thrust upon us. The knotty world of modern dating is partly a reflection of the complex nature of the modern soul.
The search for a soulmate will be made easier or harder depending on what type of soul you have. The master kabbalist Rabbi Isaac Luria taught that only new souls have an easy time finding their soulmate. When your soul comes to this world for the first time, you are fresh and unencumbered. Your vision is clear and your heart is open, and it is easy to recognise your soulmate.
But for those souls who have been here before, reincarnated souls, it doesn’t come so easily. Reincarnated souls come to the world with the baggage of their previous life, and though every soul is born pure, a reincarnated soul is born complicated.
So while a new soul will meet and recognise their soulmate immediately, an old soul will have to work harder. They may have to meet many others before they meet the right one. They may need to do a lot of growing and inner development before being ready to recognise their soulmate. There is a lot of stuff to get over first – like unrealistic expectations, over-specific requirements, exaggerated self-images, superficial hang-ups and the residue of relationships of the past. And even when soulmates do find each other, they will have to work hard to make things work.
The kabbalists declared that almost all souls these days have been here before. Very few new souls are coming down. So we can expect the search for soulmates to be more challenging now than ever. Our souls are carrying baggage – some we have inherited and some our own doing – and only by working through those layers do we remove the barriers that stand between our soul and our soulmate.
The best way to bring about meeting your soulmate is to be more in touch with your own soul. When your soul is pulsating with inspiration and clarity, when you are spiritually grounded and bringing goodness to your surroundings, then you are most prone to meeting your soulmate. It may take some effort, but that is your destiny.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
Why is dating so hard these days? Never in history have people struggled with relationships so much. So many of my friends are still single and looking. And even my married friends seem to have to work hard to keep it together. What’s wrong with us?
Answer:
We are a generation of complicated souls. Some of it is our own doing, but some of it is the destiny thrust upon us. The knotty world of modern dating is partly a reflection of the complex nature of the modern soul.
The search for a soulmate will be made easier or harder depending on what type of soul you have. The master kabbalist Rabbi Isaac Luria taught that only new souls have an easy time finding their soulmate. When your soul comes to this world for the first time, you are fresh and unencumbered. Your vision is clear and your heart is open, and it is easy to recognise your soulmate.
But for those souls who have been here before, reincarnated souls, it doesn’t come so easily. Reincarnated souls come to the world with the baggage of their previous life, and though every soul is born pure, a reincarnated soul is born complicated.
So while a new soul will meet and recognise their soulmate immediately, an old soul will have to work harder. They may have to meet many others before they meet the right one. They may need to do a lot of growing and inner development before being ready to recognise their soulmate. There is a lot of stuff to get over first – like unrealistic expectations, over-specific requirements, exaggerated self-images, superficial hang-ups and the residue of relationships of the past. And even when soulmates do find each other, they will have to work hard to make things work.
The kabbalists declared that almost all souls these days have been here before. Very few new souls are coming down. So we can expect the search for soulmates to be more challenging now than ever. Our souls are carrying baggage – some we have inherited and some our own doing – and only by working through those layers do we remove the barriers that stand between our soul and our soulmate.
The best way to bring about meeting your soulmate is to be more in touch with your own soul. When your soul is pulsating with inspiration and clarity, when you are spiritually grounded and bringing goodness to your surroundings, then you are most prone to meeting your soulmate. It may take some effort, but that is your destiny.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
Thursday, December 16, 2010
misbehaviour
Question of the Week:
My child always blames everyone else for his own misbehaviour. It's always "he started it," "she made me do it," and nothing is ever his fault. How can I teach him to take responsibility for his actions and not shift blame to others?
Answer:
Yesterday my two year old son snatched a toy from his older sister. She was about to throttle him, so I intervened. I saw this as a chance to impart some Jewish wisdom, so I explained to my daughter the idea of our two inner voices - the Yetzer Tov and the Yetzer Hora.
There's a voice inside that tells me to be upright, moral and well-behaved. This is my drive to be good, called the Yetzer Tov. But I also have a deviant and rebellious side, an inner voice that tries to convince me to do whatever is wrong and hurtful and selfish, known as the Yetzer Hora.
These two voices constantly battle to win me over. I have to choose which side gets the upper hand. And I am responsible for my choice. If I listen to my darker side, then I only have myself to blame.
So before my daughter had the chance to attack her brother I asked her, "Are you going to listen to your Yetzer Hora and hit your brother, or are you going to listen to your Yetzer Tov and just find something else to play with?"
This turned things around. Instead of being in a fight with her brother, she was now facing an inner struggle of evil versus good. She can no longer excuse her behaviour by saying, "He started it." No matter who started it, if she hits him, she has made a bad choice. It was her own Yetzer Hora that she succumbed to.
On the other hand, if she chooses not to hurt her brother and walks away she is not a loser, but a winner. She didn't lose a fight with her brother, but rather won a battle with her own evil inclination. Either way, the choice is hers, and she is responsible for that choice.
She thought about it for a second, and then made her choice. She gave her brother a whack in the face.
Well, at least I tried.
But it was not a failure. Even though she didn't do what I wanted her to do, she heard what I had to say. This episode reinforced in her little mind the idea that there is an inner battle of good and evil. In the long run, with repetition and patience, that message will sink in.
Kids fight. They won't change so quickly. But by moving the battleground from the outside to a battle within, we can help our children channel their aggression toward fighting their own evil, and in the end, their own good side will win.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
My child always blames everyone else for his own misbehaviour. It's always "he started it," "she made me do it," and nothing is ever his fault. How can I teach him to take responsibility for his actions and not shift blame to others?
Answer:
Yesterday my two year old son snatched a toy from his older sister. She was about to throttle him, so I intervened. I saw this as a chance to impart some Jewish wisdom, so I explained to my daughter the idea of our two inner voices - the Yetzer Tov and the Yetzer Hora.
There's a voice inside that tells me to be upright, moral and well-behaved. This is my drive to be good, called the Yetzer Tov. But I also have a deviant and rebellious side, an inner voice that tries to convince me to do whatever is wrong and hurtful and selfish, known as the Yetzer Hora.
These two voices constantly battle to win me over. I have to choose which side gets the upper hand. And I am responsible for my choice. If I listen to my darker side, then I only have myself to blame.
So before my daughter had the chance to attack her brother I asked her, "Are you going to listen to your Yetzer Hora and hit your brother, or are you going to listen to your Yetzer Tov and just find something else to play with?"
This turned things around. Instead of being in a fight with her brother, she was now facing an inner struggle of evil versus good. She can no longer excuse her behaviour by saying, "He started it." No matter who started it, if she hits him, she has made a bad choice. It was her own Yetzer Hora that she succumbed to.
On the other hand, if she chooses not to hurt her brother and walks away she is not a loser, but a winner. She didn't lose a fight with her brother, but rather won a battle with her own evil inclination. Either way, the choice is hers, and she is responsible for that choice.
She thought about it for a second, and then made her choice. She gave her brother a whack in the face.
Well, at least I tried.
But it was not a failure. Even though she didn't do what I wanted her to do, she heard what I had to say. This episode reinforced in her little mind the idea that there is an inner battle of good and evil. In the long run, with repetition and patience, that message will sink in.
Kids fight. They won't change so quickly. But by moving the battleground from the outside to a battle within, we can help our children channel their aggression toward fighting their own evil, and in the end, their own good side will win.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
Thursday, December 02, 2010
Intimacy
I have an issue with religious Jews. They have this thing about not showing affection in public. You would never see a very religious couple holding hands walking down the street and certainly not kissing in public, as it is considered immodest. But I think this teaches children that affection is bad and romance is taboo. How will they ever get married if they don't see affectionate parents?
Answer:
Here is a true story that happened to a family I know. They are observant and G-d fearing people, and indeed the parents never showed physical affection, even in front of their own children.
It once happened that this family was out driving in their van, parents sitting in the front, and their large brood in the back. While stopped at a red light, one of the children pointed out a scene that caught his eye. Right beside the car, on the side of the road, was a young couple engaged in a very public display of affection.
The kids expressed their strong disapproval, with "ooooo" noises and calls of "yuck!" The oldest, a girl of twelve, loudly declared, "Disgusting!"
Now the parents had a few options as to how to react to this situation. They could have encouraged their children's innocent aversion to street corner romance by telling them not to look at such a yucky thing. Or perhaps they should correct their children's hard-line view and tell them that there is actually nothing yucky about love between two people. Or they could just smile to themselves and let it pass.
But any good parent knows that there are certain teaching moments that don't come along too often, and if they are not grabbed they will be missed. Some lessons are better taught spontaneously. Rather than the parent sitting down the child to talk about an issue, it is sometimes better to wait until the child sees or hears something, makes a comment or asks a question, and use that as an opening to address the topic. An alert parent will have a store house of lessons at the ready, and patiently wait for the right opportunity to share them.
This was one such moment. And the wise father of these children, who had labelled an act of love as disgusting, jumped at the opportunity to teach them a lesson for life.
"It is not disgusting," he told his children. "It's just in the wrong place."
I heard this story as it was told by the twelve year old daughter, now a mother of children of her own. She said that all these years later she still remembers what her father said, and what an impact his simple words had on her. At first she was shocked. Her father, a rabbi, didn't think this was disgusting? Do my parents do this too? But then it dawned on her. Of course they do. They love each other, and when people love each other, this is what they do. Just some things are supposed to be private. Not because it's disgusting, because it is precious, it doesn't belong on the street.
There are couples that no one will ever see touching each other, but anyone can see the deep love they share. It is reflected in the way they speak to each other, the way they look at each other, the way they talk about each other. And then there are couples who are all lovey-dovey-kissy-huggy, but it is no more than a show for the onlookers. How intimate can affection be if every passer-by is privy to it? Does romance have any real meaning if it is shared with strangers?
When a couple is secure in their love for each other, they don't feel the need to demonstrate their affection to others outside the relationship. And yet, everyone, including their children, will know that love is there. Physical affection is more powerful when kept private. It is not disgusting, as long as it is in the right place.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
Answer:
Here is a true story that happened to a family I know. They are observant and G-d fearing people, and indeed the parents never showed physical affection, even in front of their own children.
It once happened that this family was out driving in their van, parents sitting in the front, and their large brood in the back. While stopped at a red light, one of the children pointed out a scene that caught his eye. Right beside the car, on the side of the road, was a young couple engaged in a very public display of affection.
The kids expressed their strong disapproval, with "ooooo" noises and calls of "yuck!" The oldest, a girl of twelve, loudly declared, "Disgusting!"
Now the parents had a few options as to how to react to this situation. They could have encouraged their children's innocent aversion to street corner romance by telling them not to look at such a yucky thing. Or perhaps they should correct their children's hard-line view and tell them that there is actually nothing yucky about love between two people. Or they could just smile to themselves and let it pass.
But any good parent knows that there are certain teaching moments that don't come along too often, and if they are not grabbed they will be missed. Some lessons are better taught spontaneously. Rather than the parent sitting down the child to talk about an issue, it is sometimes better to wait until the child sees or hears something, makes a comment or asks a question, and use that as an opening to address the topic. An alert parent will have a store house of lessons at the ready, and patiently wait for the right opportunity to share them.
This was one such moment. And the wise father of these children, who had labelled an act of love as disgusting, jumped at the opportunity to teach them a lesson for life.
"It is not disgusting," he told his children. "It's just in the wrong place."
I heard this story as it was told by the twelve year old daughter, now a mother of children of her own. She said that all these years later she still remembers what her father said, and what an impact his simple words had on her. At first she was shocked. Her father, a rabbi, didn't think this was disgusting? Do my parents do this too? But then it dawned on her. Of course they do. They love each other, and when people love each other, this is what they do. Just some things are supposed to be private. Not because it's disgusting, because it is precious, it doesn't belong on the street.
There are couples that no one will ever see touching each other, but anyone can see the deep love they share. It is reflected in the way they speak to each other, the way they look at each other, the way they talk about each other. And then there are couples who are all lovey-dovey-kissy-huggy, but it is no more than a show for the onlookers. How intimate can affection be if every passer-by is privy to it? Does romance have any real meaning if it is shared with strangers?
When a couple is secure in their love for each other, they don't feel the need to demonstrate their affection to others outside the relationship. And yet, everyone, including their children, will know that love is there. Physical affection is more powerful when kept private. It is not disgusting, as long as it is in the right place.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
Friday, November 26, 2010
Why do the good die young?
I don't understand. Why do the good die young? I have lost a friend who was the best person I know. And I can think of plenty of not-so-good people who are living it up. Where is the justice? Can you make any sense of this upside down world?
Answer:
Let me tell you a story.
A great debate once raged in heaven. It was over a most beautiful and precious new soul that G-d had created. The angels debated what should be done with this soul. One group of angels demanded that this soul remain in heaven. "She is too pure, too holy to face the ugliness of the lowly world," they said. "Who knows what will happen to her in a world of temptation and evil. This soul must stay with us here."
But the other group of angels said the exact opposite: "Indeed this soul glows with a unique divine glow. But for that very reason she must go down to earth. For imagine the beauty and goodness this soul can bring to a dark world. What good is there in keeping such a soul in heaven? Let her descend to earth and shine her light there."
And so they argued back and forth, each side unshakable in their view. Until it became clear that they could not resolve the issue themselves, they needed a Higher Authority. The case was brought before G-d Almighty. The angels stated their arguments before the heavenly court. G-d listened to the two opinions -the first group of angels arguing that this unspoiled soul is too holy to be plunged into the lowly world, the second countering that the world needs such souls more than anything.
And this was G-d's response:
"Indeed, it is sad to send such an immaculate soul into such a dark world. But this is My will. I only created darkness so souls like this one can transform darkness into light. The whole purpose of creation was that the lowly world be refined by the good deeds of mortal human beings. This cannot be achieved by souls in heaven. It can only be achieved through souls in bodies. And so even this most perfect and pure soul must descend to earth."
The first group of angels, who requested for the soul to remain in heaven, were disappointed. They couldn't fathom how such a spiritual being could be expected to survive such a physical world. G-d turned to them and said, "As for your request to keep this soul up here, I will grant it partially. Though she must leave us and go down to earth, it will not be long before she will return to us. Her sojourn on earth will be brief. Such a brilliant soul will not need long to fulfil her mission. Soon she will be free to come back to heaven."
G-d then turned to the second group and asked, "Are you satisfied with that? Do you accept that this soul can only be on earth for a limited time?"
The angels replied, "Yes we do. Every day that she is on earth is a blessing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When a loved one passes away, we feel we have lost something precious. We are left with a gaping hole in our heart, and we often wonder why they were taken away from us. But at the same time we can be grateful for the very fact that they were given to us in the first place. We are blessed to have such beautiful souls in our lives. The world is privileged to have such heavenly guests come down on earth. And even if it can only be for a short while, we will take whatever we can get.
In time all souls will be reunited. In the meantime, let us be thankful for the gift of every day.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
Answer:
Let me tell you a story.
A great debate once raged in heaven. It was over a most beautiful and precious new soul that G-d had created. The angels debated what should be done with this soul. One group of angels demanded that this soul remain in heaven. "She is too pure, too holy to face the ugliness of the lowly world," they said. "Who knows what will happen to her in a world of temptation and evil. This soul must stay with us here."
But the other group of angels said the exact opposite: "Indeed this soul glows with a unique divine glow. But for that very reason she must go down to earth. For imagine the beauty and goodness this soul can bring to a dark world. What good is there in keeping such a soul in heaven? Let her descend to earth and shine her light there."
And so they argued back and forth, each side unshakable in their view. Until it became clear that they could not resolve the issue themselves, they needed a Higher Authority. The case was brought before G-d Almighty. The angels stated their arguments before the heavenly court. G-d listened to the two opinions -the first group of angels arguing that this unspoiled soul is too holy to be plunged into the lowly world, the second countering that the world needs such souls more than anything.
And this was G-d's response:
"Indeed, it is sad to send such an immaculate soul into such a dark world. But this is My will. I only created darkness so souls like this one can transform darkness into light. The whole purpose of creation was that the lowly world be refined by the good deeds of mortal human beings. This cannot be achieved by souls in heaven. It can only be achieved through souls in bodies. And so even this most perfect and pure soul must descend to earth."
The first group of angels, who requested for the soul to remain in heaven, were disappointed. They couldn't fathom how such a spiritual being could be expected to survive such a physical world. G-d turned to them and said, "As for your request to keep this soul up here, I will grant it partially. Though she must leave us and go down to earth, it will not be long before she will return to us. Her sojourn on earth will be brief. Such a brilliant soul will not need long to fulfil her mission. Soon she will be free to come back to heaven."
G-d then turned to the second group and asked, "Are you satisfied with that? Do you accept that this soul can only be on earth for a limited time?"
The angels replied, "Yes we do. Every day that she is on earth is a blessing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When a loved one passes away, we feel we have lost something precious. We are left with a gaping hole in our heart, and we often wonder why they were taken away from us. But at the same time we can be grateful for the very fact that they were given to us in the first place. We are blessed to have such beautiful souls in our lives. The world is privileged to have such heavenly guests come down on earth. And even if it can only be for a short while, we will take whatever we can get.
In time all souls will be reunited. In the meantime, let us be thankful for the gift of every day.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
Thursday, November 18, 2010
transitional nothingness
My life has fallen apart. My husband left me, I have been kicked out of my home and my career is over. And now I am losing my faith too. I used to believe so strongly, but now my thinking has changed. Was I deluded to think that G-d would help me?
Answer:
I feel for you in what must be a huge test of your character. Your whole world has been shattered to pieces. Just to get up in the morning and face the day must take mammoth strength.
There is a name for your situation. The Kabbalists call it Ayin Baemtza - "transitional nothingness."
Between any two states of being lies an intermediary state of nonbeing. Like a seed that must become a tree, it first decomposes, nullifies itself and rots into oblivion. Just as it reaches the verge of complete nonexistence, the seed starts to sprout and reinvents itself into a new being. Only by losing its being as a seed and becoming nothing, can it reach a new being, a greater being, as a tree.
It has to be this way. To truly reinvent oneself, there must be a true and complete break from the past, a real nothingness, to make room for the new self to emerge.
You are presently going through an Ayin Baemtza stage in your life. The life that was is gone, the life that will be is yet to blossom, and you are left in a big black hole of confusion, pain and darkness. That is a very hard place to be. Because everyone knows that transitional nothingness is just a temporary state, a step between two stages in life. Everyone knows that except the one who is going through it themselves. For you the nothingness is real. It is hard - maybe impossible - for you to see any bright future ahead.
So what can you do to survive the transitional nothingness? What will keep you going until you transform into the you of tomorrow?
In your state of nothingness you need to hold on to something higher than yourself. Now, you need faith, not philosophy. Say to yourself: My life is in disarray, I don't know what's flying, I don't know what will be, but I am in G-d's hands. This is a process that for whatever reason I must go through. And with G-d's help, I will get through it.
When in an Ayin state, it is not the time to be changing belief systems, or making important life choices. The ground you are standing on is too unstable for you to be able to think clearly. It would be sad - no, it would be tragic - if in your frustration you made choices that you will later regret, but not be able to reverse.
I offer no solutions to your predicament. But I offer you one piece of advice. Just hold on to G-d, the one thing that even in your nothingness you haven't lost. You will get through this black hole and your life will be reborn. The seed is planted. Have faith, and your new tomorrow will blossom soon.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
Answer:
I feel for you in what must be a huge test of your character. Your whole world has been shattered to pieces. Just to get up in the morning and face the day must take mammoth strength.
There is a name for your situation. The Kabbalists call it Ayin Baemtza - "transitional nothingness."
Between any two states of being lies an intermediary state of nonbeing. Like a seed that must become a tree, it first decomposes, nullifies itself and rots into oblivion. Just as it reaches the verge of complete nonexistence, the seed starts to sprout and reinvents itself into a new being. Only by losing its being as a seed and becoming nothing, can it reach a new being, a greater being, as a tree.
It has to be this way. To truly reinvent oneself, there must be a true and complete break from the past, a real nothingness, to make room for the new self to emerge.
You are presently going through an Ayin Baemtza stage in your life. The life that was is gone, the life that will be is yet to blossom, and you are left in a big black hole of confusion, pain and darkness. That is a very hard place to be. Because everyone knows that transitional nothingness is just a temporary state, a step between two stages in life. Everyone knows that except the one who is going through it themselves. For you the nothingness is real. It is hard - maybe impossible - for you to see any bright future ahead.
So what can you do to survive the transitional nothingness? What will keep you going until you transform into the you of tomorrow?
In your state of nothingness you need to hold on to something higher than yourself. Now, you need faith, not philosophy. Say to yourself: My life is in disarray, I don't know what's flying, I don't know what will be, but I am in G-d's hands. This is a process that for whatever reason I must go through. And with G-d's help, I will get through it.
When in an Ayin state, it is not the time to be changing belief systems, or making important life choices. The ground you are standing on is too unstable for you to be able to think clearly. It would be sad - no, it would be tragic - if in your frustration you made choices that you will later regret, but not be able to reverse.
I offer no solutions to your predicament. But I offer you one piece of advice. Just hold on to G-d, the one thing that even in your nothingness you haven't lost. You will get through this black hole and your life will be reborn. The seed is planted. Have faith, and your new tomorrow will blossom soon.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Different gender roles
I have often heard it said that Judaism believes that women are more spiritual than men. This is supposed to explain why men have more religious obligations than women - men need these things to become closer to G-d, women are there already. But do we really believe that? Is it not just a patronising way to avoid the question of the different gender roles in Judaism?
Answer:
I remember as a child being told that men and women are equal. I had a big problem with this. I asked, "If men and woman are equal, why do men and women never compete with each other in sports? You never see a man playing against a woman in tennis, or women's soccer teams facing men's, or a mixed gender 100 metre sprint. If we are all equal, why can't we compete together?"
The answer I received was unsatisfying. "Men are on average stronger physically than women. It would not be fair for them to compete against each other in sports which require bodily strength, because men would always win. But in every other way, men and women are equal."
This did not sit well with me. If men are superior to women in physical strength, but equal in all else, then men and women are not equal. Men have an edge. Unless there is some other area of human endeavour in which women are superior, we are not equal.
This bothered me for years. Until I learnt Judaism's attitude to women.
Women are more soulful than men. While men may excel in physical prowess, women are far ahead when it comes to spiritual strength. Women are more sensitive to matters of the soul, more receptive to ideas of faith, more drawn to the divine than men. The feminine soul has an openness to the abstract and a grasp of the intangible that a male soul can only yearn for. This is why G-d told Abraham, the first Jewish man, "Whatever Sarah your wife tells you, listen to her voice." She was the greater prophet, her soul more intuitive than his.
When I first heard this idea, it suddenly all made sense. There is indeed a balance between men and women. Men have stronger bodies, women have stronger souls.
Of course there are exceptions. Some women could beat any guy in an arm wrestle. And some men are more spiritually intuned than the women around them. But for the most part, men have bigger muscles, women have deeper feelings.
The Torah gives men more physical mitzvos, to tame the body and give the soul extra power. Women don't need this help. Because although men can jump higher in the air, women can reach higher into the heavens.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
Answer:
I remember as a child being told that men and women are equal. I had a big problem with this. I asked, "If men and woman are equal, why do men and women never compete with each other in sports? You never see a man playing against a woman in tennis, or women's soccer teams facing men's, or a mixed gender 100 metre sprint. If we are all equal, why can't we compete together?"
The answer I received was unsatisfying. "Men are on average stronger physically than women. It would not be fair for them to compete against each other in sports which require bodily strength, because men would always win. But in every other way, men and women are equal."
This did not sit well with me. If men are superior to women in physical strength, but equal in all else, then men and women are not equal. Men have an edge. Unless there is some other area of human endeavour in which women are superior, we are not equal.
This bothered me for years. Until I learnt Judaism's attitude to women.
Women are more soulful than men. While men may excel in physical prowess, women are far ahead when it comes to spiritual strength. Women are more sensitive to matters of the soul, more receptive to ideas of faith, more drawn to the divine than men. The feminine soul has an openness to the abstract and a grasp of the intangible that a male soul can only yearn for. This is why G-d told Abraham, the first Jewish man, "Whatever Sarah your wife tells you, listen to her voice." She was the greater prophet, her soul more intuitive than his.
When I first heard this idea, it suddenly all made sense. There is indeed a balance between men and women. Men have stronger bodies, women have stronger souls.
Of course there are exceptions. Some women could beat any guy in an arm wrestle. And some men are more spiritually intuned than the women around them. But for the most part, men have bigger muscles, women have deeper feelings.
The Torah gives men more physical mitzvos, to tame the body and give the soul extra power. Women don't need this help. Because although men can jump higher in the air, women can reach higher into the heavens.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
Thursday, November 04, 2010
Tooth Fairy
My daughter just lost her first tooth, so I need to know: do Jews believe in the Tooth Fairy? It seems wrong to lie to kids and pretend a fairy gave them money for their tooth. Should I just be up front and give her the money myself instead of creating false beliefs?
Answer:
This is certainly not a Jewish thing. But I wouldn't call it a lie. It's more like a childish game of imagination. I doubt many kids have been damaged by the discovery that there is no fairy sneaking into their bedrooms at night. And they probably think that it's their parents who are being duped as they pocket the cash.
But there is a potential danger to the Tooth Fairy myth. It rewards children for doing nothing. Losing a tooth is a natural process that requires no effort on the part of the child. They have achieved nothing more than a bit of wobbling, and then you pay them for it. To reward a child for something that will happen anyway is a waste of the incentive power of money.
Even worse, it promotes the dangerous belief that you can get money for nothing. That is far more harmful for a child's future than believing in the Tooth Fairy. I have yet to meet an adult that still thinks fairies put money under pillows, but I certainly know some who still think the world owes them a free ride.
Better reward children for good behaviour, and teach them that hard work pays. When a child does something unnatural and difficult, like sharing their favourite toys even when they don't want to or cleaning up after themselves without being told, that warrants a little deposit under the pillow.
And if you want to capture their imagination, tell them some authentic Jewish wisdom: For every good deed you do, an angel is created to protect you. And every time you hold back from doing the wrong thing, G-d's light shines on you.
It's easy to lose a tooth. It's much harder to lose a bad habit. But good deeds create good energy. And self-control makes you stronger. That's no fairy tale.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
Answer:
This is certainly not a Jewish thing. But I wouldn't call it a lie. It's more like a childish game of imagination. I doubt many kids have been damaged by the discovery that there is no fairy sneaking into their bedrooms at night. And they probably think that it's their parents who are being duped as they pocket the cash.
But there is a potential danger to the Tooth Fairy myth. It rewards children for doing nothing. Losing a tooth is a natural process that requires no effort on the part of the child. They have achieved nothing more than a bit of wobbling, and then you pay them for it. To reward a child for something that will happen anyway is a waste of the incentive power of money.
Even worse, it promotes the dangerous belief that you can get money for nothing. That is far more harmful for a child's future than believing in the Tooth Fairy. I have yet to meet an adult that still thinks fairies put money under pillows, but I certainly know some who still think the world owes them a free ride.
Better reward children for good behaviour, and teach them that hard work pays. When a child does something unnatural and difficult, like sharing their favourite toys even when they don't want to or cleaning up after themselves without being told, that warrants a little deposit under the pillow.
And if you want to capture their imagination, tell them some authentic Jewish wisdom: For every good deed you do, an angel is created to protect you. And every time you hold back from doing the wrong thing, G-d's light shines on you.
It's easy to lose a tooth. It's much harder to lose a bad habit. But good deeds create good energy. And self-control makes you stronger. That's no fairy tale.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Kosher Wine
My friend who is not Jewish asked me what makes kosher wine different to other wine. I didn't know what to say. How would you respond to him without getting into all the technicalities?
Answer:
There is no visible difference between kosher wine and other wines. The difference is purely spiritual.
Generally speaking, all fruits are kosher, and therefore any pure juice from a fruit, without any additives, should be kosher. The one exception to this is juice from a grape. For wine or grape juice to be kosher, they must be produced and supervised by Jews who are knowledgeable in the laws of keeping kosher.
The reason for this distinction is that wine, more than any other drink, is used for religious purposes. In Jewish tradition, wine is used at wedding ceremonies and Brisses, for Kiddush on Shabbos and festivals, and at the Havdalah ceremony at the conclusion of holy days. Many other religions also use wine in their ceremonies. And there are many other uses for wine that are profane and unholy. For the wine to be kosher and fit to use for Jewish ceremonies, we need to know that the intention of the winemakers was that the wine be used for such purposes, as opposed to any other less sacred purpose.
This teaches an amazing lesson. The thoughts put into creating something have an effect on that creation. Intentions have impact. If a foreign thought can make wine unkosher, imagine what good thoughts can do.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
Answer:
There is no visible difference between kosher wine and other wines. The difference is purely spiritual.
Generally speaking, all fruits are kosher, and therefore any pure juice from a fruit, without any additives, should be kosher. The one exception to this is juice from a grape. For wine or grape juice to be kosher, they must be produced and supervised by Jews who are knowledgeable in the laws of keeping kosher.
The reason for this distinction is that wine, more than any other drink, is used for religious purposes. In Jewish tradition, wine is used at wedding ceremonies and Brisses, for Kiddush on Shabbos and festivals, and at the Havdalah ceremony at the conclusion of holy days. Many other religions also use wine in their ceremonies. And there are many other uses for wine that are profane and unholy. For the wine to be kosher and fit to use for Jewish ceremonies, we need to know that the intention of the winemakers was that the wine be used for such purposes, as opposed to any other less sacred purpose.
This teaches an amazing lesson. The thoughts put into creating something have an effect on that creation. Intentions have impact. If a foreign thought can make wine unkosher, imagine what good thoughts can do.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
Friday, October 22, 2010
Rational Anwers to Circumcision
Question of the Week:
We had a baby boy and we are very excited. But we are still undecided about the Bris. I have issues with it. I am aware of the spiritual significance of the circumcision, but I have much more practical concerns:
1) Is it not barbaric to put my baby through the pain of a medically unnecessary operation?
2) He was born uncircumcised, why should I mess with his natural state?
3) My son has no say in this, and can never reverse it. Shouldn't I let him choose later on in life if he wants this done to him?
Do you have any rational answers?
Answer:
Imagine the following scenario. Your baby is born, healthy and well. But there's something unusual. He has six fingers on each hand. An extra little growth protrudes right next to each pinkie.
What would you do about it? Have the extra fingers surgically removed? Or leave them? After all, he was born that way. And he can live with twelve fingers. Maybe the child should be allowed to choose whether or not he wants his extra fingers later in life. Can you think of anything more barbaric than chopping someone's fingers off?
And yet I suspect you would do what most parents have done in such circumstances. Better remove the extra fingers now, when it is relatively painless and quick to heal, than subject the child to feeling like an anomaly in his future life. He has no use for them anyway, and would later resent the fact that his parents didn't remove them for him.
And so, kind and loving parents will unflinchingly put their babies under the surgeon's knife. The short term pain is worth it to avoid any long term discomfort. All other concerns would quickly dissolve. What is called barbaric in one context is quite humane in another.
If this logic works for removing extra fingers, a purely cosmetic operation, how much more should it work in favour of the infinitely more meaningful act of circumcision. I am not suggesting that being uncircumcised is the same as being twelve-fingered. But for a Jewish child there are several similarities.
An uncircumcised Jew often feels like an outsider among his own people. He will always be a Jew, but may come to feel ambivalent about it, knowing that to actively embrace his Jewishness entails undergoing an operation - one that is minor at eight days old, but quite a bit more daunting in adulthood. I have attended adult circumcisions, and it is inspiring when someone makes that choice. The actual operation is not such a big deal. But the decision to actually do it is. You are in fact limiting his choices by not circumcising him.
So putting all spiritual considerations aside, from a practical perspective, here's the equation. Leave your son uncircumcised, and you leave him with a psychological barrier to exploring his own identity. Give your son a Bris, and he loses nothing more than a bit of skin. But he gains immediate entry into the four thousand year old covenant of Abraham. That is a gift you will not regret giving.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
We had a baby boy and we are very excited. But we are still undecided about the Bris. I have issues with it. I am aware of the spiritual significance of the circumcision, but I have much more practical concerns:
1) Is it not barbaric to put my baby through the pain of a medically unnecessary operation?
2) He was born uncircumcised, why should I mess with his natural state?
3) My son has no say in this, and can never reverse it. Shouldn't I let him choose later on in life if he wants this done to him?
Do you have any rational answers?
Answer:
Imagine the following scenario. Your baby is born, healthy and well. But there's something unusual. He has six fingers on each hand. An extra little growth protrudes right next to each pinkie.
What would you do about it? Have the extra fingers surgically removed? Or leave them? After all, he was born that way. And he can live with twelve fingers. Maybe the child should be allowed to choose whether or not he wants his extra fingers later in life. Can you think of anything more barbaric than chopping someone's fingers off?
And yet I suspect you would do what most parents have done in such circumstances. Better remove the extra fingers now, when it is relatively painless and quick to heal, than subject the child to feeling like an anomaly in his future life. He has no use for them anyway, and would later resent the fact that his parents didn't remove them for him.
And so, kind and loving parents will unflinchingly put their babies under the surgeon's knife. The short term pain is worth it to avoid any long term discomfort. All other concerns would quickly dissolve. What is called barbaric in one context is quite humane in another.
If this logic works for removing extra fingers, a purely cosmetic operation, how much more should it work in favour of the infinitely more meaningful act of circumcision. I am not suggesting that being uncircumcised is the same as being twelve-fingered. But for a Jewish child there are several similarities.
An uncircumcised Jew often feels like an outsider among his own people. He will always be a Jew, but may come to feel ambivalent about it, knowing that to actively embrace his Jewishness entails undergoing an operation - one that is minor at eight days old, but quite a bit more daunting in adulthood. I have attended adult circumcisions, and it is inspiring when someone makes that choice. The actual operation is not such a big deal. But the decision to actually do it is. You are in fact limiting his choices by not circumcising him.
So putting all spiritual considerations aside, from a practical perspective, here's the equation. Leave your son uncircumcised, and you leave him with a psychological barrier to exploring his own identity. Give your son a Bris, and he loses nothing more than a bit of skin. But he gains immediate entry into the four thousand year old covenant of Abraham. That is a gift you will not regret giving.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
Friday, August 20, 2010
No Fireworks??
Question of the Week:
I was not raised with Jewish traditions so I have never experienced a Jewish new year celebration. I always go to the dragon dance at Chinatown for Chinese new year, and I was in Times Square last year for new year's eve...I don't remember a thing, it was wild! I would love to see how Jews party. Can I join you for your new year celebrations?
Answer:
You are most welcome to come along, but let me warn you: nothing you have seen will prepare you for a Rosh Hashana service. The most exotic tribal dance, or the most outlandish new year's bash, will seem like a mild tea party in comparison.
It all starts off pretty tame. We gather in synagogue on the morning of Rosh Hashana to say the prayers. They are sung to powerful and moving tunes matching the flavour of the different prayers - melodic and up-beat songs for prayers of praise and celebration; deep and stirring songs for prayers of awe and introspection. The singing and praying goes on for a couple of hours, and it all seems like a pretty standard prayer service.
But that's just the build up. After reading from the Torah, the tension in the room grows and there is a sense that something big is about to happen.
Then it does. What happens next, the climax of the new year service, is nothing short of bizarre.
A guy takes the stage, covers his head with his prayer shawl and produces a velvet bag. He places the bag on the table, and opens it to pull out...a ram's horn. And you won't believe what follows. He puts the horn to his mouth and blows. And he blows and blows and blows.
The sound that comes out of that ram's horn can't be described. It is an ancient wordless voice that only the soul understands. Its piercing cry turns us inside out - the layers blocking our hearts are torn away and our souls are exposed. The deepest and most elemental level of our being is suddenly awakened by a three thousand year old call. The blow of the ram's horn fans the hidden flame in our soul, and latent spiritual senses swim to the surface.
The Jewish new year starts not on the calendar but in our souls. Consciously or not, we have been revitalised, a new page is opened in our inner life. Whether we go with this spark ignited in our soul or let it fizzle out is up to us.
The Rosh Hashana experience can be pretty wild, and you won't want the party to end. Once you have had a taste of Jewish soul inspiration, you desperately crave for more. You will be left with a spiritual hangover - the only hangover where your mind is clear and you just want to get up and change the world, starting with yourself.
I was not raised with Jewish traditions so I have never experienced a Jewish new year celebration. I always go to the dragon dance at Chinatown for Chinese new year, and I was in Times Square last year for new year's eve...I don't remember a thing, it was wild! I would love to see how Jews party. Can I join you for your new year celebrations?
Answer:
You are most welcome to come along, but let me warn you: nothing you have seen will prepare you for a Rosh Hashana service. The most exotic tribal dance, or the most outlandish new year's bash, will seem like a mild tea party in comparison.
It all starts off pretty tame. We gather in synagogue on the morning of Rosh Hashana to say the prayers. They are sung to powerful and moving tunes matching the flavour of the different prayers - melodic and up-beat songs for prayers of praise and celebration; deep and stirring songs for prayers of awe and introspection. The singing and praying goes on for a couple of hours, and it all seems like a pretty standard prayer service.
But that's just the build up. After reading from the Torah, the tension in the room grows and there is a sense that something big is about to happen.
Then it does. What happens next, the climax of the new year service, is nothing short of bizarre.
A guy takes the stage, covers his head with his prayer shawl and produces a velvet bag. He places the bag on the table, and opens it to pull out...a ram's horn. And you won't believe what follows. He puts the horn to his mouth and blows. And he blows and blows and blows.
The sound that comes out of that ram's horn can't be described. It is an ancient wordless voice that only the soul understands. Its piercing cry turns us inside out - the layers blocking our hearts are torn away and our souls are exposed. The deepest and most elemental level of our being is suddenly awakened by a three thousand year old call. The blow of the ram's horn fans the hidden flame in our soul, and latent spiritual senses swim to the surface.
The Jewish new year starts not on the calendar but in our souls. Consciously or not, we have been revitalised, a new page is opened in our inner life. Whether we go with this spark ignited in our soul or let it fizzle out is up to us.
The Rosh Hashana experience can be pretty wild, and you won't want the party to end. Once you have had a taste of Jewish soul inspiration, you desperately crave for more. You will be left with a spiritual hangover - the only hangover where your mind is clear and you just want to get up and change the world, starting with yourself.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus
Question of the Week:
My husband just doesn't seem to get it. He came home over an hour late last night without so much as calling to tell me that he won't be on time. This is the fifth time he has done this and we are only married three months! It may seem petty but it upsets me greatly. I don't want him to see me as a nagging wife. What should I do?
Answer:
This may be disappointing, but it sounds like your husband is acting like a pretty normal guy. And you sound pretty normal too. That's why you are having this problem.
There is something you need to know about men. They are loners. Being in a relationship is unnatural to them. They do not automatically think about how their actions affect someone else. The default emotional state of a man is loneliness.
This is not true of women. A woman has an innate sense of relationship, of connection to others. A woman naturally shares of herself and bonds with others. A man does not. She is a relationship being, he is a lonely being.
Of course, it is a big generalisation to say that all men are loners and all women are connectors, and generalisations are never accurate. But to say generalisations are never accurate is itself a generalisation, and thus not accurate either. So let's generalise: while there are of course many exceptions, generally speaking, man's natural state is to be single, woman's natural state is to be in a couple.
There is a solid base for this theory. It stretches all the way back to the beginning of time, to the first man and the first woman, Adam and Eve.
Adam was created alone. His original state was that of a bachelor. But Eve was created from Adam. She was never single. Eve by her very nature was a relationship being, because she was created with her partner next to her. She had an inborn sense of interconnectedness, she intuitively knew that we are not alone in this world, that our actions impact others and that we can and must be sensitive to those around us. This was innate to her psyche, for she was never alone. But all this was new to Adam. He had to learn what a relationship means, and how to be aware of another, for at his core he was a lonely being.
Adam is the essential man, and Eve the essential woman. And so until today women are relationship beings and men are lonely beings. Not that all women are good at relationships, and not that all men are hopeless hermits. Rather, women are more likely to know how to bond with others, and men are more likely to keep their emotions to themselves.
So your husband has no idea why you are upset when he comes home late. He may be thinking, "Why can't she occupy herself until I get there? Is she so insecure that she can't look after herself for an extra hour or so?" What he doesn't yet understand is that while he is a loner, you are a connector. You don't need him to be physically with you all the time, but emotionally, he must be with you all the time. If he would just call to say he is late, you would not feel alone, because he showed that he cares, he has bonded with you.
Eve's mission was to help Adam come out of his isolation and learn how to connect. You need to do this too. Explain to your husband that it is not his lateness that upsets you, it is that he wasn't considerate enough to communicate his lateness to you. Help him understand that he is no longer alone, and show him how beautiful the world is when shared with someone else. Give it time. You can't cure existential loneliness overnight. But if you persevere, with gentleness and love, he will open up that lonely place inside him and let you in. Then you can share your lives in your own Garden of Eden, and never be lonely again.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
My husband just doesn't seem to get it. He came home over an hour late last night without so much as calling to tell me that he won't be on time. This is the fifth time he has done this and we are only married three months! It may seem petty but it upsets me greatly. I don't want him to see me as a nagging wife. What should I do?
Answer:
This may be disappointing, but it sounds like your husband is acting like a pretty normal guy. And you sound pretty normal too. That's why you are having this problem.
There is something you need to know about men. They are loners. Being in a relationship is unnatural to them. They do not automatically think about how their actions affect someone else. The default emotional state of a man is loneliness.
This is not true of women. A woman has an innate sense of relationship, of connection to others. A woman naturally shares of herself and bonds with others. A man does not. She is a relationship being, he is a lonely being.
Of course, it is a big generalisation to say that all men are loners and all women are connectors, and generalisations are never accurate. But to say generalisations are never accurate is itself a generalisation, and thus not accurate either. So let's generalise: while there are of course many exceptions, generally speaking, man's natural state is to be single, woman's natural state is to be in a couple.
There is a solid base for this theory. It stretches all the way back to the beginning of time, to the first man and the first woman, Adam and Eve.
Adam was created alone. His original state was that of a bachelor. But Eve was created from Adam. She was never single. Eve by her very nature was a relationship being, because she was created with her partner next to her. She had an inborn sense of interconnectedness, she intuitively knew that we are not alone in this world, that our actions impact others and that we can and must be sensitive to those around us. This was innate to her psyche, for she was never alone. But all this was new to Adam. He had to learn what a relationship means, and how to be aware of another, for at his core he was a lonely being.
Adam is the essential man, and Eve the essential woman. And so until today women are relationship beings and men are lonely beings. Not that all women are good at relationships, and not that all men are hopeless hermits. Rather, women are more likely to know how to bond with others, and men are more likely to keep their emotions to themselves.
So your husband has no idea why you are upset when he comes home late. He may be thinking, "Why can't she occupy herself until I get there? Is she so insecure that she can't look after herself for an extra hour or so?" What he doesn't yet understand is that while he is a loner, you are a connector. You don't need him to be physically with you all the time, but emotionally, he must be with you all the time. If he would just call to say he is late, you would not feel alone, because he showed that he cares, he has bonded with you.
Eve's mission was to help Adam come out of his isolation and learn how to connect. You need to do this too. Explain to your husband that it is not his lateness that upsets you, it is that he wasn't considerate enough to communicate his lateness to you. Help him understand that he is no longer alone, and show him how beautiful the world is when shared with someone else. Give it time. You can't cure existential loneliness overnight. But if you persevere, with gentleness and love, he will open up that lonely place inside him and let you in. Then you can share your lives in your own Garden of Eden, and never be lonely again.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
Thursday, August 05, 2010
My husband just doesn't seem to get it.
Question of the Week:
My husband just doesn't seem to get it. He came home over an hour late last night without so much as calling to tell me that he won't be on time. This is the fifth time he has done this and we are only married three months! It may seem petty but it upsets me greatly. I don't want him to see me as a nagging wife. What should I do?
Answer:
This may be disappointing, but it sounds like your husband is acting like a pretty normal guy. And you sound pretty normal too. That's why you are having this problem.
There is something you need to know about men. They are loners. Being in a relationship is unnatural to them. They do not automatically think about how their actions affect someone else. The default emotional state of a man is loneliness.
This is not true of women. A woman has an innate sense of relationship, of connection to others. A woman naturally shares of herself and bonds with others. A man does not. She is a relationship being, he is a lonely being.
Of course, it is a big generalisation to say that all men are loners and all women are connectors, and generalisations are never accurate. But to say generalisations are never accurate is itself a generalisation, and thus not accurate either. So let's generalise: while there are of course many exceptions, generally speaking, man's natural state is to be single, woman's natural state is to be in a couple.
There is a solid base for this theory. It stretches all the way back to the beginning of time, to the first man and the first woman, Adam and Eve.
Adam was created alone. His original state was that of a bachelor. But Eve was created from Adam. She was never single. Eve by her very nature was a relationship being, because she was created with her partner next to her. She had an inborn sense of interconnectedness, she intuitively knew that we are not alone in this world, that our actions impact others and that we can and must be sensitive to those around us. This was innate to her psyche, for she was never alone. But all this was new to Adam. He had to learn what a relationship means, and how to be aware of another, for at his core he was a lonely being.
Adam is the essential man, and Eve the essential woman. And so until today women are relationship beings and men are lonely beings. Not that all women are good at relationships, and not that all men are hopeless hermits. Rather, women are more likely to know how to bond with others, and men are more likely to keep their emotions to themselves.
So your husband has no idea why you are upset when he comes home late. He may be thinking, "Why can't she occupy herself until I get there? Is she so insecure that she can't look after herself for an extra hour or so?" What he doesn't yet understand is that while he is a loner, you are a connector. You don't need him to be physically with you all the time, but emotionally, he must be with you all the time. If he would just call to say he is late, you would not feel alone, because he showed that he cares, he has bonded with you.
Eve's mission was to help Adam come out of his isolation and learn how to connect. You need to do this too. Explain to your husband that it is not his lateness that upsets you, it is that he wasn't considerate enough to communicate his lateness to you. Help him understand that he is no longer alone, and show him how beautiful the world is when shared with someone else. Give it time. You can't cure existential loneliness overnight. But if you persevere, with gentleness and love, he will open up that lonely place inside him and let you in. Then you can share your lives in your own Garden of Eden, and never be lonely again.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
My husband just doesn't seem to get it. He came home over an hour late last night without so much as calling to tell me that he won't be on time. This is the fifth time he has done this and we are only married three months! It may seem petty but it upsets me greatly. I don't want him to see me as a nagging wife. What should I do?
Answer:
This may be disappointing, but it sounds like your husband is acting like a pretty normal guy. And you sound pretty normal too. That's why you are having this problem.
There is something you need to know about men. They are loners. Being in a relationship is unnatural to them. They do not automatically think about how their actions affect someone else. The default emotional state of a man is loneliness.
This is not true of women. A woman has an innate sense of relationship, of connection to others. A woman naturally shares of herself and bonds with others. A man does not. She is a relationship being, he is a lonely being.
Of course, it is a big generalisation to say that all men are loners and all women are connectors, and generalisations are never accurate. But to say generalisations are never accurate is itself a generalisation, and thus not accurate either. So let's generalise: while there are of course many exceptions, generally speaking, man's natural state is to be single, woman's natural state is to be in a couple.
There is a solid base for this theory. It stretches all the way back to the beginning of time, to the first man and the first woman, Adam and Eve.
Adam was created alone. His original state was that of a bachelor. But Eve was created from Adam. She was never single. Eve by her very nature was a relationship being, because she was created with her partner next to her. She had an inborn sense of interconnectedness, she intuitively knew that we are not alone in this world, that our actions impact others and that we can and must be sensitive to those around us. This was innate to her psyche, for she was never alone. But all this was new to Adam. He had to learn what a relationship means, and how to be aware of another, for at his core he was a lonely being.
Adam is the essential man, and Eve the essential woman. And so until today women are relationship beings and men are lonely beings. Not that all women are good at relationships, and not that all men are hopeless hermits. Rather, women are more likely to know how to bond with others, and men are more likely to keep their emotions to themselves.
So your husband has no idea why you are upset when he comes home late. He may be thinking, "Why can't she occupy herself until I get there? Is she so insecure that she can't look after herself for an extra hour or so?" What he doesn't yet understand is that while he is a loner, you are a connector. You don't need him to be physically with you all the time, but emotionally, he must be with you all the time. If he would just call to say he is late, you would not feel alone, because he showed that he cares, he has bonded with you.
Eve's mission was to help Adam come out of his isolation and learn how to connect. You need to do this too. Explain to your husband that it is not his lateness that upsets you, it is that he wasn't considerate enough to communicate his lateness to you. Help him understand that he is no longer alone, and show him how beautiful the world is when shared with someone else. Give it time. You can't cure existential loneliness overnight. But if you persevere, with gentleness and love, he will open up that lonely place inside him and let you in. Then you can share your lives in your own Garden of Eden, and never be lonely again.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Rabbi, do you know why I don't go to shul?
Question of the Week:
Rabbi, do you know why I don't go to shul? I used to go, but I started to notice that in my shul, the rich people get more noticed and average people like me were overlooked. So I stopped going. If you need to be wealthy to be respected I want no part of it. Am I right or wrong?
Answer:
You are the third person this week to explain to me why they don't go to shul. This happens to me all the time. At almost every function I attend, a wedding, kid's birthday party or communal gathering, someone comes up to me and says, "Rabbi, do you know why I don't go to shul...."
I have never asked anyone why they don't go to shul. I don't even know these people. And yet they feel the need to share with me their particular Jewish gripe, either about the unfriendly rabbi or the arrogant cantor, the grandfather who forced them to pray or the G-d who didn't answer their prayers.
It's funny, I don't feel the need to justify to my dentist why I never go to him, or the local gym why they never see me. And yet when people see a rabbi they are overcome with an urge to explain their absence from shul.
Mind you, the people who do attend shul don't seem to have a good reason why they come. Even someone who has not been to shul in years can rock up to a service, and without any justification for their sudden appearance, they walk in, take a prayer book and sit down, as if they always belonged there.
Because they do belong there. A Jew needs no reason to be in shul. There is no explanation necessary. Most of the time, they themselves don't know why they started coming to shul. And so they offer no rationalization. You only need a reason not to go to shul. But to go, no reason is required. I am here because I am Jewish, and going to shul is Jewish.
This is why I love hearing those alibis people present for not being in shul. A Jew needs a reason not to connect to Judaism. Some may have pretty good reasons, like yours. But they are reasons nonetheless. A Jew needs no reason to connect to Judaism. It is who we are.
If you don't like your shul, find another one. Until you do, all the justifications in world won't change the fact that you're a Jew, and a Jew wants to be Jewish.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
Rabbi, do you know why I don't go to shul? I used to go, but I started to notice that in my shul, the rich people get more noticed and average people like me were overlooked. So I stopped going. If you need to be wealthy to be respected I want no part of it. Am I right or wrong?
Answer:
You are the third person this week to explain to me why they don't go to shul. This happens to me all the time. At almost every function I attend, a wedding, kid's birthday party or communal gathering, someone comes up to me and says, "Rabbi, do you know why I don't go to shul...."
I have never asked anyone why they don't go to shul. I don't even know these people. And yet they feel the need to share with me their particular Jewish gripe, either about the unfriendly rabbi or the arrogant cantor, the grandfather who forced them to pray or the G-d who didn't answer their prayers.
It's funny, I don't feel the need to justify to my dentist why I never go to him, or the local gym why they never see me. And yet when people see a rabbi they are overcome with an urge to explain their absence from shul.
Mind you, the people who do attend shul don't seem to have a good reason why they come. Even someone who has not been to shul in years can rock up to a service, and without any justification for their sudden appearance, they walk in, take a prayer book and sit down, as if they always belonged there.
Because they do belong there. A Jew needs no reason to be in shul. There is no explanation necessary. Most of the time, they themselves don't know why they started coming to shul. And so they offer no rationalization. You only need a reason not to go to shul. But to go, no reason is required. I am here because I am Jewish, and going to shul is Jewish.
This is why I love hearing those alibis people present for not being in shul. A Jew needs a reason not to connect to Judaism. Some may have pretty good reasons, like yours. But they are reasons nonetheless. A Jew needs no reason to connect to Judaism. It is who we are.
If you don't like your shul, find another one. Until you do, all the justifications in world won't change the fact that you're a Jew, and a Jew wants to be Jewish.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Washing your hands before the meals?
Question of the Week:
What is the meaning behind the ritual washing of hands before meals? Was this some ancient Jewish version of hygiene?
Answer:
One of the laws of the hand washing ritual is that the hands must already be completely clean before you wash them. You first clean the hands of any dirt, and only then do you pour water from a cup over each hand three times.
This is ridiculous: the prerequisite to washing hands is that they be clean?! The ritual washing of hands has no visible effect. It seemingly does nothing. So why do we do it?
The hand washing before meals has nothing to do with hygiene. It is not about cleanliness. It is about holiness.
Cleanliness is a physical state. By removing dirt you become clean. But holiness is an entirely spiritual concept. Holiness means a sense of something beyond, something higher, something with a higher purpose. You can be completely clean, but that doesn't mean you're holy.
You can have two business people who work side by side. They are both honest and good people. They are both clean. There is no visible difference between them. And yet one uses his wealth to help the poor and needy, while the other accumulates wealth purely for himself and his family. He is clean. He is not a bad man. But he is not holy.
You can have two plates of food. Both are made of healthy ingredients and prepared to the highest standards of hygiene. There is no visible difference between them. And yet one plate is kosher food, the other not. Kosher food is not healthier or cleaner. It is holy. It is prepared according to divine standards with a higher purpose in mind.
You can have two pairs of hands. Both have been cleaned and are spotless. And yet one hand has been ritually washed, the other not. There is no detectable difference between them. But these hands are holy, those are not.
Holiness means connecting to something higher. It means living with an awareness that not all dirt is visible, and we don't always see the effect of our actions. So before engaging in physical activity, before consuming the fruit of our handiwork, we wash our hands. They may be clean already, but we must ensure that they are pure and holy too.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
What is the meaning behind the ritual washing of hands before meals? Was this some ancient Jewish version of hygiene?
Answer:
One of the laws of the hand washing ritual is that the hands must already be completely clean before you wash them. You first clean the hands of any dirt, and only then do you pour water from a cup over each hand three times.
This is ridiculous: the prerequisite to washing hands is that they be clean?! The ritual washing of hands has no visible effect. It seemingly does nothing. So why do we do it?
The hand washing before meals has nothing to do with hygiene. It is not about cleanliness. It is about holiness.
Cleanliness is a physical state. By removing dirt you become clean. But holiness is an entirely spiritual concept. Holiness means a sense of something beyond, something higher, something with a higher purpose. You can be completely clean, but that doesn't mean you're holy.
You can have two business people who work side by side. They are both honest and good people. They are both clean. There is no visible difference between them. And yet one uses his wealth to help the poor and needy, while the other accumulates wealth purely for himself and his family. He is clean. He is not a bad man. But he is not holy.
You can have two plates of food. Both are made of healthy ingredients and prepared to the highest standards of hygiene. There is no visible difference between them. And yet one plate is kosher food, the other not. Kosher food is not healthier or cleaner. It is holy. It is prepared according to divine standards with a higher purpose in mind.
You can have two pairs of hands. Both have been cleaned and are spotless. And yet one hand has been ritually washed, the other not. There is no detectable difference between them. But these hands are holy, those are not.
Holiness means connecting to something higher. It means living with an awareness that not all dirt is visible, and we don't always see the effect of our actions. So before engaging in physical activity, before consuming the fruit of our handiwork, we wash our hands. They may be clean already, but we must ensure that they are pure and holy too.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Why do you dip the challah in salt?
Question of the Week:
Quick question: why do you dip the challah in salt?
Quick Answer:
In the Temple in Jerusalem, every sacrifice was accompanied by salt. The salt symbolised our indestructible connection to G-d. Just as salt never goes bad, so too G-d's love for us never spoils. Even if we have done wrong and need to bring an offering to seek forgiveness, we are still as lovable as ever, for there is a part of the soul that always remains pure.
Without the Temple, our dinner table becomes the altar, and our meals the sacrifices. And so we dip our bread in salt. We are reminded that no matter what wrong we may have done, no matter how bad the mistakes we may have made, there is still hope for us. Even if we don't forgive ourselves G-d forgives us. Because like salt, G-d's love is undying.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
Quick question: why do you dip the challah in salt?
Quick Answer:
In the Temple in Jerusalem, every sacrifice was accompanied by salt. The salt symbolised our indestructible connection to G-d. Just as salt never goes bad, so too G-d's love for us never spoils. Even if we have done wrong and need to bring an offering to seek forgiveness, we are still as lovable as ever, for there is a part of the soul that always remains pure.
Without the Temple, our dinner table becomes the altar, and our meals the sacrifices. And so we dip our bread in salt. We are reminded that no matter what wrong we may have done, no matter how bad the mistakes we may have made, there is still hope for us. Even if we don't forgive ourselves G-d forgives us. Because like salt, G-d's love is undying.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
Thursday, July 08, 2010
Should I put my career aspirations aside for changing nappies and sterilising bottles?
Question of the Week:
I am soon to turn 36, and haven't had children yet. I want to be a mother, but should I put my career aspirations aside for changing nappies and sterilising bottles? I can't help feeling that I will have wasted some of my potential. Did I go through 8 years of university just to become a mum?
Answer:
We live in a strange world today. People are choosing productivity over reproduction. The ideal of building a career has superseded the ideal of building a family. Making money has been elevated over making babies. Wealth creation is considered a respected achievement, while procreation is considered a sacrifice. How did making a living become more important than making life?
The last few decades have seen a shift in attitude towards work and career, with both positive and negative results. The doors to financial success are open to women today more than ever. That is a positive step. But a not-so-positive development is that many men and women have come to identify with their careers. These days, you are what you do. While once upon a time you could be a person who practices law, today you are a lawyer. What once would have been called a father who works to support a family, is now a businessman who chose to have kids. The working mother has become a mothering worker.
Not that there is anything wrong with a man or a woman excelling in their career. But when that career becomes who you are, when it overtakes your persona, when a job becomes your life - that's unnatural. It is perfectly natural to identify yourself as a husband or wife, a mother or father. After all, our relationships - with our fellow beings, ourselves and our G-d - are what make us human. But to identify with a career, to the point that we fear that if we lost our position we would amount to nothing - that's not healthy.
Here's a healthier model: my identity is the fact that I live and can give life; I am blessed and can give blessing. My job is what I do, but my life is who I am. I have an occupation - my work, and a pre-occupation - living a life of meaning. I was given the greatest gift of all, the gift of life, and I can pass on that gift to others.
Having a child is not the only way to give life. The gift of life can come in many forms: the happiness we bring to the lives of others, the souls we uplift through words of kindness, the people we help through the goodness we do. But to actually create a person - who themselves can be a doer and a recipient of good - is the most powerful and literal way to give the gift of life.
Be proud of your desire to be a mother. You will always be able to go back to your career later. But if you focus on your life's mission rather than your job, you will see that it is far more rewarding to go into labour than to go into work.
I am soon to turn 36, and haven't had children yet. I want to be a mother, but should I put my career aspirations aside for changing nappies and sterilising bottles? I can't help feeling that I will have wasted some of my potential. Did I go through 8 years of university just to become a mum?
Answer:
We live in a strange world today. People are choosing productivity over reproduction. The ideal of building a career has superseded the ideal of building a family. Making money has been elevated over making babies. Wealth creation is considered a respected achievement, while procreation is considered a sacrifice. How did making a living become more important than making life?
The last few decades have seen a shift in attitude towards work and career, with both positive and negative results. The doors to financial success are open to women today more than ever. That is a positive step. But a not-so-positive development is that many men and women have come to identify with their careers. These days, you are what you do. While once upon a time you could be a person who practices law, today you are a lawyer. What once would have been called a father who works to support a family, is now a businessman who chose to have kids. The working mother has become a mothering worker.
Not that there is anything wrong with a man or a woman excelling in their career. But when that career becomes who you are, when it overtakes your persona, when a job becomes your life - that's unnatural. It is perfectly natural to identify yourself as a husband or wife, a mother or father. After all, our relationships - with our fellow beings, ourselves and our G-d - are what make us human. But to identify with a career, to the point that we fear that if we lost our position we would amount to nothing - that's not healthy.
Here's a healthier model: my identity is the fact that I live and can give life; I am blessed and can give blessing. My job is what I do, but my life is who I am. I have an occupation - my work, and a pre-occupation - living a life of meaning. I was given the greatest gift of all, the gift of life, and I can pass on that gift to others.
Having a child is not the only way to give life. The gift of life can come in many forms: the happiness we bring to the lives of others, the souls we uplift through words of kindness, the people we help through the goodness we do. But to actually create a person - who themselves can be a doer and a recipient of good - is the most powerful and literal way to give the gift of life.
Be proud of your desire to be a mother. You will always be able to go back to your career later. But if you focus on your life's mission rather than your job, you will see that it is far more rewarding to go into labour than to go into work.
Friday, July 02, 2010
Bubbemaise superstition?
Question:
My grandmother always told me not to walk around the house in just socks and no shoes. Is there anything to this or is it a bubbemaise superstition?
Answer:
There is no law that forbids you to walk around in socks. But our sages teach us to never ignore the sayings of our grandmothers, for there is always some wisdom in them. Indeed, your grandmother's aversion to shoelessness does have some basis.
Jewish law states that one who is mourning the loss of a loved one removes their shoes. Thus walking around in socks makes you look like a mourner, and we don't even want to look like a mourner. This is part of a general Jewish attitude to death. We don't like it. We do whatever we can to stay away from it.
There are many Jewish customs that stem from the desire to avoid anything associated with death. Some people don't sleep with their feet facing the door, because that is how a corpse lies before burial. We don't speak about what will happen when someone dies, but rather what will happen "after 120 years." We wash our hands after attending a funeral, to rid ourselves of the impurity of the cemetery.
This dislike of death is not so much a superstition as an allergy. Our tradition trains us to love life and be allergic to death. Unlike some traditions that venerate death as an ideal and view life as a wretched curse, the Jewish tradition cherishes life as a blessing. Through customs that distance us from death and its trappings, the Jewish people has inculcated a worldview that is life-affirming and this-world focused.
Your grandmother had a point. Death is a part of life. But it need not be given any more space than necessary. Keep your shoes on.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
My grandmother always told me not to walk around the house in just socks and no shoes. Is there anything to this or is it a bubbemaise superstition?
Answer:
There is no law that forbids you to walk around in socks. But our sages teach us to never ignore the sayings of our grandmothers, for there is always some wisdom in them. Indeed, your grandmother's aversion to shoelessness does have some basis.
Jewish law states that one who is mourning the loss of a loved one removes their shoes. Thus walking around in socks makes you look like a mourner, and we don't even want to look like a mourner. This is part of a general Jewish attitude to death. We don't like it. We do whatever we can to stay away from it.
There are many Jewish customs that stem from the desire to avoid anything associated with death. Some people don't sleep with their feet facing the door, because that is how a corpse lies before burial. We don't speak about what will happen when someone dies, but rather what will happen "after 120 years." We wash our hands after attending a funeral, to rid ourselves of the impurity of the cemetery.
This dislike of death is not so much a superstition as an allergy. Our tradition trains us to love life and be allergic to death. Unlike some traditions that venerate death as an ideal and view life as a wretched curse, the Jewish tradition cherishes life as a blessing. Through customs that distance us from death and its trappings, the Jewish people has inculcated a worldview that is life-affirming and this-world focused.
Your grandmother had a point. Death is a part of life. But it need not be given any more space than necessary. Keep your shoes on.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Are Spiritual Mediums Kosher
Question of the Week:
What is Judaism's take on looking into our future? I've always been under the impression that it is forbidden for us to consult with spiritual 'mediums', but more and more I'm hearing of people who are paying big money to find out what their future may hold. Is it possible to know our destiny?
Answer:
The Torah forbids looking into the future, not because it isn't possible to do, but because it isn't a good idea.
There are indeed ways to divine the future. There are Jewish sources that speak of things like horoscopes and palm reading. The problem is not that these are false (though many practitioners of them are), it is that there is a danger when they are used to predict the future.
These readings can do nothing more than predict someone's destiny based on current circumstances. The way things stand now, if all variables remain unchanged, this is your fate. What they can't predict is human free choice.
We have the ability to choose our path, to change our destiny and to outsmart fate. We are not bound to a future that is out of our control. While we can't change the forces of destiny, we can change ourselves. When a person improves themselves, becomes a better person, then they are now a new being with a new destiny. The human power to change is a variable no seer can predict.
This is why we are better off not knowing what is in store for us. Because once we hear it, we may become stuck in the belief that our future is set. And this itself may affect our future negatively, as our will to change and freedom to choose becomes paralysed.
If I am told that my future is all good, I will have wealth and love and happiness, this knowledge may make me complacent and lazy, expecting these things to just come on their own. But they will not. If I want wealth I need to work, if I want to find love I need to meet people, if I want happiness I need to live a life of meaning. G-d may want to bestow much good upon me, but it won't happen without my effort.
So too if I am given a negative prognosis, if I am told that I am destined to suffer and be sick, then the worry and anxiety caused by such a prediction can itself lead to the suffering and sickness I am dreading. The prediction becomes self-fulfilling, as I give in to a fate that need not be mine.
For these reasons and more, you are better off leaving the future for tomorrow and focusing on today. If you do that, I predict good things in store for you.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
What is Judaism's take on looking into our future? I've always been under the impression that it is forbidden for us to consult with spiritual 'mediums', but more and more I'm hearing of people who are paying big money to find out what their future may hold. Is it possible to know our destiny?
Answer:
The Torah forbids looking into the future, not because it isn't possible to do, but because it isn't a good idea.
There are indeed ways to divine the future. There are Jewish sources that speak of things like horoscopes and palm reading. The problem is not that these are false (though many practitioners of them are), it is that there is a danger when they are used to predict the future.
These readings can do nothing more than predict someone's destiny based on current circumstances. The way things stand now, if all variables remain unchanged, this is your fate. What they can't predict is human free choice.
We have the ability to choose our path, to change our destiny and to outsmart fate. We are not bound to a future that is out of our control. While we can't change the forces of destiny, we can change ourselves. When a person improves themselves, becomes a better person, then they are now a new being with a new destiny. The human power to change is a variable no seer can predict.
This is why we are better off not knowing what is in store for us. Because once we hear it, we may become stuck in the belief that our future is set. And this itself may affect our future negatively, as our will to change and freedom to choose becomes paralysed.
If I am told that my future is all good, I will have wealth and love and happiness, this knowledge may make me complacent and lazy, expecting these things to just come on their own. But they will not. If I want wealth I need to work, if I want to find love I need to meet people, if I want happiness I need to live a life of meaning. G-d may want to bestow much good upon me, but it won't happen without my effort.
So too if I am given a negative prognosis, if I am told that I am destined to suffer and be sick, then the worry and anxiety caused by such a prediction can itself lead to the suffering and sickness I am dreading. The prediction becomes self-fulfilling, as I give in to a fate that need not be mine.
For these reasons and more, you are better off leaving the future for tomorrow and focusing on today. If you do that, I predict good things in store for you.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Excel within limitations
Question of the Week:
Many thanks to you and your wife for Friday night dinner. We had a great time. I just had one question. I noticed you have a huge picture of your Rebbe, Rabbi Schneersohn, on the wall. I don't mean to be rude, but is this type of reverence appropriate? Isn't he just another human being?
Answer:
Yes, the Rebbe was just a human being. That's exactly why I revere him.
Here was a man who was at the same time a world leader and a personal confidant. He received up to one thousand letters a day and opened each one himself, advised concerned parents of unwell children and singles searching for life-partners with the exact same love and attention as he advised presidents and prime-ministers on matters of state, had the vision to set up a global web of institutions to rebuild Jewish life after the Holocaust, promoted family values and moral living for the non-Jewish world, was as fluent in the sciences as he was in Torah wisdom and found G-d in both, healed the sick with his blessings, and answered people's questions before they even asked them, took the responsibility of the world on his shoulders, but had time to respond to the questions of a child.
These are just a sample of his qualities. And what makes the Rebbe so special was that he was human. For a superhuman to achieve all the above is no big deal. They don't have to work hard to become heroes. But for a human being of flesh and blood to reach such heights is nothing short of amazing.
That's why I have a picture of the Rebbe on my wall. It always reminds me of what a human can achieve. I will never be a Rebbe, but I can certainly strive to do more than I am presently doing to better myself and the world. The Rebbe inspires me to do this.
I only saw the Rebbe once. But it is due to his influence that I am today an active and proud Jew. His profound teachings and compelling vision inspired me to become a rabbi. Otherwise, who knows, I may have been a B-grade trapeze artist or struggling plumber's assistant. The very fact that I am writing these words and you are reading them is thanks to the Rebbe and his vision.
From the Rebbe's teachings I have learnt what G-d is. From his life I have learnt what humans can be.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
Many thanks to you and your wife for Friday night dinner. We had a great time. I just had one question. I noticed you have a huge picture of your Rebbe, Rabbi Schneersohn, on the wall. I don't mean to be rude, but is this type of reverence appropriate? Isn't he just another human being?
Answer:
Yes, the Rebbe was just a human being. That's exactly why I revere him.
Here was a man who was at the same time a world leader and a personal confidant. He received up to one thousand letters a day and opened each one himself, advised concerned parents of unwell children and singles searching for life-partners with the exact same love and attention as he advised presidents and prime-ministers on matters of state, had the vision to set up a global web of institutions to rebuild Jewish life after the Holocaust, promoted family values and moral living for the non-Jewish world, was as fluent in the sciences as he was in Torah wisdom and found G-d in both, healed the sick with his blessings, and answered people's questions before they even asked them, took the responsibility of the world on his shoulders, but had time to respond to the questions of a child.
These are just a sample of his qualities. And what makes the Rebbe so special was that he was human. For a superhuman to achieve all the above is no big deal. They don't have to work hard to become heroes. But for a human being of flesh and blood to reach such heights is nothing short of amazing.
That's why I have a picture of the Rebbe on my wall. It always reminds me of what a human can achieve. I will never be a Rebbe, but I can certainly strive to do more than I am presently doing to better myself and the world. The Rebbe inspires me to do this.
I only saw the Rebbe once. But it is due to his influence that I am today an active and proud Jew. His profound teachings and compelling vision inspired me to become a rabbi. Otherwise, who knows, I may have been a B-grade trapeze artist or struggling plumber's assistant. The very fact that I am writing these words and you are reading them is thanks to the Rebbe and his vision.
From the Rebbe's teachings I have learnt what G-d is. From his life I have learnt what humans can be.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
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